Perhaps it's that I don't quite understand what it is to love someone?
Mood:
not sure
Now Playing: Globes & Maps - Something Corporate
So...things are going alright...for the first day of class I guess.
I don't get it. I just got off of the phone with my boyfriend...we talked for 3 hours...way too much time for when I'm in school and already behind. He's really wonderful...it's just that I'm sometimes over sensitive and get super angry about things that perhaps don't require that much emotion...but when I'm already sensitive and unsure about something, I really don't need some assurance that there's need for me to be so unsure of myself...it makes me wanna cry sometimes, y'know? Perhaps I need to grow a thicker skin.
So, anyways...we were talking, he said something, I got angry, and then he started trying to explain it and how he didn't mean it, but all I could think about were my angry thoughts and about how shitty he made me feel...how incompentent, stupid, and incapable of any sort of success he made me feel...with a single comment. I fucking hated him at that moment. So I told him that it wasn't helping, that I was too angry to hear any of that right now and that I wanted to go to bed...well, then he started crying and sobbing as is usually the case in situations like these...and I can't bear to hear him just repeat that he's "sorry" over and over and over and over again for 10 minutes straight. I try to calm him down, tell him it's alright, but the damage's done. He feels terrible and crumbles and doesn't say anything more to me but sob and tell me that he's sorry. I consoled him for over an hour trying to calm him down. I dunno...this has been the case for so many times...I'm not doing any good for him...I wish he could see that. I feel like breaking up with him so that I can relieve myself of the stress and committments...it's terrible really...especially since he's revealed to me (on our anniversary in June) that he loves me...but I really don't know what to do anymore...
This type of response, this power-imbalance, has not changed since near the start of our relationship. It's crazy, but everytime I can't get a hold of him right away, I worry that he's cheating on me. That he's with someone else at that instant...shit, that one situation and those times at the beginning of our relationship have really tainted my view of any possibility/potential for our relationship...I don't think this is what I want anymore...I'm not sure and I'm so tired and I've gotta do work and now I'm sad that I feel so screwed academically...and I feel like dumping one of the first people that has admitted to loving me...even though he's never had to...I dunno...this feels too difficult.
I'm feeling a general feeling of lost right now, but don't know what to do....something's just not quite right.
Posted by livingwithoutaclue
at 1:34 AM EDT