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livingwithoutaclue
Thursday, 3 August 2006
ouchies
Mood:  down
Now Playing: Alone in the Universe - David Usher

ooof....my stomach is paining again....i'm not quite certain if this is an anxiety thing as many have speculated, but it sure doesn't feel like it....i am having trouble finding enough oxygen for my liking.
.

.

.

.

owwwwww. i just had hot water get on my leg and go under/between my fingernail....today's not helping me feel better....it's going to get better, right, right???

ow, it hurts. 

 

on a good note,  after burning my skin, my breathing was a bit better and my stomach ache went away for a bit, but it's coming back i think... :P


Posted by livingwithoutaclue at 1:54 PM EDT
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Wednesday, 21 June 2006
gah
Mood:  down
Now Playing: the humming of my computer
i am tired of the way that i live, but i'm not quite certain what to do right now. i don't mean to sound cryptic, however, this IS my journal and i'm really only writing for me afterall.


it seems that i only write when i'm feeling rather down or unhappy or dissatisfied...i need to change this soon.

it's just today really...today could have been better.

Posted by livingwithoutaclue at 12:30 AM EDT
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Monday, 13 March 2006
eureka
Now Playing: consequence free - great big sea
i had an eureka moment today i think...it's not something that i'll be able to share with anyone that really knows me because it may scare them. it's really not all that scary at all though.

it just came to me:

i'd likely rather die than lose someone to death ever again.

that's how poorly i deal with death. i'm not a fan...though i do realize that it's important part of the life cycle...isn't it funny? i guess that it must be so easy to see it all as black and white...life or death, when it's really that death is part of life. or perhaps they intertwine and become one at times...i dunno, i'm just delusional perhaps.

it's not that i want to end my life...it's just that that's how the death of someone i care about makes me feel sometimes. trading lives, trading places. if only that would work.

anyways, that was just something that i felt the need to write down...so i don't forget about this eureka moment...'cause they're kind of exciting, y'know?

ttyl,
lwac

Posted by livingwithoutaclue at 10:33 PM EST
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Sunday, 15 January 2006
Head vs. Heart
Mood:  bright
Now Playing: the quiet humming of my computer
ok....so, i'm going to go vote tomorrow...and i'm a little torn, but i think i've settled with going with what my head says and not my heart this time.

strategic voting for a better country...

oy...'cause that sounds good! :P anyways, i think i will be more at peace with my decision as the hours wind down.

(p.s. i'm voting at the advanced polls tonight after work)

lwac

Posted by livingwithoutaclue at 10:41 PM EST
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Wednesday, 23 November 2005
happy
Mood:  happy
Now Playing: Hallelujah - Rufus Wainwright (he redid it for the Shrek movie)...don't know who did the original :P
hi : )

I'm just going to write a quick little entry: about five lines worth...this is one of them :)

I'm not sure if I've ever written about this before...but:
Did you ever notice that the "mood" choosing box thing has two (2) "happy" choices? : ) I kind of like to think that it's tripod's way of helping us be happier...by increasing the statistical probability that we will choose the "happy" mood...'cause really...nothing says happy quite like "happy". So simple, but wonderful : )

ttyl, 'cause i've gotta finish hmk!
lwac

P.S. Ben = Awesome. It's a mathematical proof and therefore true always, 'cause i said so.

Posted by livingwithoutaclue at 12:54 AM EST
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Thursday, 17 November 2005
As promised :)
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: Superman is Dead - Our Lady Peace

Seven things I want to do before I die:
1. Be successful on my own terms as myself (this is more complex and obviously encompasses more than a single component)
2. Always try to leave people better than when we first met, even if we'd only known eachother for a minute
3. Make the people in my life happy (or at least help them to become happier, better people)
4. Learn Cantonese (and maybe Mandarin if I get really ambitious?)
5. Regularly practice and play an instrument
6. Learn as much as possible
7. Be happy

Seven things I can do:
1. Listen


Seven things I cannot do:
1. Speak Cantonese/Mandarin
2. Continuously follow through
3. Keep in contact well with most people that I still admire or am grateful to know/have known
4. Manage time properly
5. Take gorgeous photos :P
6. Not worry
7. Work 8 hours a day sitting at a computer

Seven things I say a lot:
1. Gosh
2. I don't know/I dunno
3. You're Silly/Weird
4. Excellent.
5. i Love You
6. Like (i need to get rid of that! : ) )
7. Have a good night/day/day at work/weekend!

Seven things I find attractive in a man

1. Warmth (involves kindness, compassion and the way he carries himself, smiles, gestures, interacts, etc.)
2. Confidence
3. Strong Values
4. Intelligence
5. Nerdiness
6. Articulacy/Eloquence
7. Respect for himself and those around him


Seven celebrity crushes?

1. Chris Carrabba (of Dashboard Confessional)
2. Alan Doyle (of Great Big Sea)
3. S¿an McCann (of Great Big Sea)
4. Murray Foster (of Great Big Sea)
5. David Usher
6. James Van Der Beek
7. Matt Damon

come to think of it...i don't really have any celebrity crushes right now...these ones (above) were kind of forced...and well, maybe it's just cause i don't see celebs that often with not going to the movies/watching television all that much anymore. Sorry! but they are all quite handsome gentlemen, fo sho! ; )


Seven people who I'll burden with this tag, but are under no obligation (in no particular order):

urm... no one : ) 'cause I don't think anyone else reads my blog 'cept very few! : ) 'cause they're cool like that!

ttyl,
lwac


OOOH! btw, today I bought fudge! yummy! oh so yummy....4 flavours.....so good. : )

Posted by livingwithoutaclue at 8:11 PM EST
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Monday, 7 November 2005
_very_ good weekend (longest update thus far? ;))
Mood:  a-ok
Now Playing: Holiday (Slow it Down) - The Watchmen
heh...Ben! You got me! : ) you were sneaky. I will devote an entry to that sometime (within the next week/soon) following this one..

*waves* Hi! I'm still here and ok : ) just a little FYI ; )

Whoa with the updateness....here we go! It's L-O-N-G, so you may want to read a paragraph at a time then return every once in a while!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Let's go through the main things that are up:

1. Family:

Seems like we're doing well. I've started (not scheduled/on purpose) phoning my Mom nearly everyday. Just to talk about what's going on with her day. It's pretty nice, though it can get boring at times...i mean when we talk so much, there's not much new everyday sometimes : ) but that's ok. I like talking with my Mom, I think it makes both of us feel better. And my Parents & Brother have been really really really really really really really really supportive of me this term given the good luck (see below) at school. They were pretty proud of me and have told me so and it makes me feel really good to be able to make them proud to the point where they actually tell me so and i believe it. It's just been so long since it's been like that I feel.

Plans for next weekend: dinner with my Parents & Brother on Friday night then The Royal Winter Fair Love the Royal...it's so nice...horses and cows and sheep and lots of nice stuff.


2. School:

OH yes! : ) Not that it was particularly particularly particularly difficult given the class average of 78%, but I finally did well on a midterm! *awesome feelings* and just for a lil' extra ego boost....I got one percent higher than the class avg! woot! (<--i'm not quite sure what that means, but i see people write it alot and it seems to be some sort of "wooohooo!") : ) so that is very good.

Although, I have yet to receive the rest of my midterm scores back and I'm pretty certain that I did perform poorly in some of them unfortunately due to a lack of preparation on my part.

An arguably great thing about my program is that we've got co-op set up to be part of our academic careers, rotations every four months....so! As per my last entry, I feel as though I did sufficiently well in attracting employers to interview me (7 total, i think...) which is AWESOME since it seemed challenging to even get an interview last term. And, and, and, and, and! I got 3 offers and was ranked for all of the jobs except one, which I stupidly screwed up the interview for. *doofus* but I ended up getting the job I wanted! thank goodness! So, during the winter term (January 2006 to April 2006) I will be a co-op student here:

ok....i think that's all i've got wrt school stuff...

3. Friends:

Things are going alright. I really like to be able to rely, at least to some degree, on people that I call friends. If they weren't in my life in some way, I wouldn't have any expectations of them...which is perhaps not such a good thing, but I kind of thing of that as the reason that people are friends....obviously they get along most times very well, but they are also able to rely on one another to some degree.

One of my friends, that I've had my doubts about in the past, whom also happens to be one of my few female friends, has been really really really nice to me in the recent weeks. Honestly, I'm really thankful for her ability to deal with me being a scardy-cat. ; ) Despite some of my insecurities being about stuff that are selfish sometimes, she still prevailed and was awesome. I was pleasantly surprised as I hadn't, in a long time, felt that this was possible with this girl. I think that she's gaining more confidence perhaps? I hope so, she'd be super-duper-unstoppable-awesome if she were.

Another friend...the one that I'd thought our friendship had been crappy due to the lack of communication of any sort and was back on the upswing and now...i've decided is/was on the downswing. It's just uncomfortable for me to talk to him sometimes. I can't even look at him sometimes....I think I'm intimidated by him...like he might suddenly turn mean/careless. It seems he's become unreliable...which is perhaps what he wants...perhaps he doesn't want others to be able to rely on him, which is odd, since i distinctly remember him telling me once that he likes when his friends are able to rely on him...I think a lot of this has to do with me...and perhaps that I've changed....or at least towards him....he just doesn't seem to me as that close of a genuine friend anymore and i've most certainly lost some trust in him...actually, i don't think that i do trust him that much at all, which makes me question the value of this so-called-friendship. gah.

Another two friends have switched to another stream of our program, meaning that they are still (will end their co-op in Dec/05 when they started it May/05) on co-op and will return to school in January while our class is on co-op. I miss them both a lot since we used to study together almost EVERY night together...now i've got no one really to study with. I study alone again. But I'm happy for them, since I know they like their jobs and will be happiest continuing their co-ops. They're doing some pretty cool stuff.

One of the two above mentioned friends has also opted to switch out of engineering all together...which came as a shock to me, but makes sense in retrospect. He really didn't like this program and has made a strong decision about it that will inevitably only take a couple more years and make him more than a couple more years happier! :)

Two cool friends, nothing much new to update with them. They are consistently some of the nicest people in my life. We tend to get along pretty well and as such, spending time with them is nearly always fun. They are cool :)

One of my other friends, who is doing an intra-national ;) exchange to her home province is doing well I think...she's needed this and i'm really proud that she made this very big decision on her own. She's really capable of great things. I haven't talked with her in a bit, but she's, honestly, one of the most genuinely nice people that I know. She just freaks out every now and then ;) but it's cool, I miss her lots and will be sending her a birthday card this week hopefully.

4. Boyfriend:
Our relationship, i've found is most stressed when we're away from each other. really. Fortunately/Unfortunately, this is nearly all of the time. It seems that we stress each other out (almost all my fault most of the times...i'll get to that in a bit) so often when we're away from each other. When we're together, it's so much easier to resolve these little things...perhaps...or likely? most of our communication about how we feel is based on our body language, facial expressions, and physical contact. We can be very different intellectually, but when we're together, that doesn't that much. We get a long very well when it's just the two of us. I do love him.

Speaking of that...I told him how I feel...that I love him but am not in love with him right now...he took it hard...there wasn't really any joy in my revealing this to him. _So_ _much_ sadness and disappointment. I'm certain that this still stings...he has made it a goal to make me fall in love with him. I've expressed that although I would like nothing better than to be in love with him, I don't really believe that you can make someone fall in love with you. Maybe it's all the glitz, glamour, and fairy tales that have gotten to me, but I honestly fell as though falling in love should be something natural. Not something to be forced nor actively pursued. In addition, since I have these feelings about the issue, I don't try to force it...that isn't right, in my opinion...there could be terrible consequences. So, he's left trying all by himself...it seems as though he must try so hard to be with me and i don't have to try at all to be with him...maybe i expect too much? I don't know, but I know that I am hard on him...but I just don't know what else to do...I know it's mean, but maybe it shows that we're not meant to be together.....who knows?

I'm not quite sure how this conversation came about, but it did....He told me that if he had the money, he'd be at my door with a ring...I told him to please not...I'm not even sure if I ever want to get married...there's so much more complication that comes with that and really...I just feel too young and definitely lacking in experiencing not so much other relationships (he's my first serious serious boyfriend) but LIFE.

I feel as though I lack experience with life on my own.

Despite this all, we had a really great weekend this weekend I think...it was a lot of fun and comforting and safe and nice. He came up for a pre-birthday (his) weekend together. We spent nearly the whole weekend together and I'm grateful for every second that we were together. It was just really really really nice. My boyfriend is comfy and snuggle-y. I loved this weekend since almost all we did was enjoy each other's company and do no work ;) it was really nice.


5. Other friends:


Met up with and chatted with an old friend/one-time-boyfriend the other week...gosh...I'd thought that he'd gone to some other university, but turns out he's back here and I saw him at the co-op building and he didn't say hi, so I msn'd him to ask if he was back. Anyways, it was nice and I'm really glad to hear that he's doing well.

Scolded another friend....then appologized for it a couple of days later...I'm just so sick of hearing of young workers getting hurt on the job and I found his attitude towards his injury quite stupid. Backs can't be replaced. Spinal cords and back muscles have so much opportunity to get hurt somewhere selse, don't let a job be the cause...gosh...i just don't think it's worth it....but maybe that's just my opinion since i've never had a strong need to make a money to get by. I'm thankful for that, but perhaps that's why I can't understand why someone would want to risk their health for a job. I don't care much about the pride factor. From the limited experiences that myself and my friends have had, few people at work will stick up for a (co-op) student worker. Given the short time we'll be working there and junior positions that we hold, there exists near to zero incentive for them to stick their necks out for us to say..."Hey, that's not cool. There's something wrong with that." This is disheartening, but maybe it is up to us to learn to take that same risk and speak up for ourselves. We are adults in the eyes of the law, but so many of us aren't truly grown-up. We're still in the process.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ok, I think that's the end of it for now...I'm done writing for a bit, and will be back soon, I hope...it's just so busy this time of year with the midterms and interviews and then a slight break and then finals! ohmygosh...

*momentary freak out* ;) ok, i'm alright :)

ttyl,
lwac

P.S. oh, and my music has changed so much since I started writing this! yikes!

Posted by livingwithoutaclue at 2:03 AM EST
Updated: Monday, 7 November 2005 2:48 AM EST
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Friday, 7 October 2005
oh, by the way....
Mood:  quizzical
Now Playing: Certain Tragedy - Saves the Day
hrm...so...some events have happened in the last few weeks...well a few

1. I told my boyfriend that I love him....but am not at present in love with him (Ben, you were right, i do love him)

2. have felt pretty misplaced in my own class...which sucks cause there's only a couple of us

3. have regained faith in a friendship that i'd been questioning because we'd hardly talked, but overall, he still reminds me of a brother

4. i've got co-op interviews gosh darnit! *EXCITED* given the drought of jobs and interviews (or at least it felt that way) last time, i'm feeling better.

5. today i concocted a smoothie that tasted like Amoxil! mmm...tasty! I always liked that medicine and would hope that i'd have an ear infection in order to have a taste of that medicine ;)

Anyways, I'm going home friday! :) home for Canadian Thanksgiving, which is very cool because it means family time and boyfriend time and an extra day before midterms start! gah! :P

oh, I almost forgot!

Happy Thanksgiving to you Canadians!

and

Happy Columbus Day to you Americans!

ttyl maybe!
lwac

Posted by livingwithoutaclue at 3:06 AM EDT
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Mood:  a-ok
Now Playing: Lovers in a Dangerous Time - Barenaked Ladies
thought this was pretty cool, though i'm not certain about its accuracy...somethings are clearly correct, however some of it, i am forced to question. which is still cool. it's good to be thinking about things and questioning them.




ColorQuiz.comlwac took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test!

"Over-imaginative and given to fantasy or day-dream..."


Click here to read the rest of the results.



Posted by livingwithoutaclue at 2:57 AM EDT
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Wednesday, 28 September 2005
so maybe there is SOME truth to this? maybe a lot?
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: From Me to You - The Beatles
so...apparently...

DisorderRating
Paranoid Personality Disorder:Moderate
Schizoid Personality Disorder:Low
Schizotypal Personality Disorder:Moderate
Antisocial Personality Disorder:Low
Borderline Personality Disorder:Very High
Histrionic Personality Disorder:Moderate
Narcissistic Personality Disorder:Low
Avoidant Personality Disorder:Very High
Dependent Personality Disorder:High
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder:High

-- Take the Personality Disorder Test --
-- Personality Disorder Info --



yeah...i just found this on someone else's blog and thought, "hey, why not? I've been having some weird thoughts lately." (note: by "weird" i mean, i feel like i'm in first year or grade nine again...except it's WORSE...i'm the fat-kid with no friends this time...with no academic prowress and no vision of what i'd like to do in the near future/future...it's worrying me a bit...but perhaps it's just a couple of rough days :) ) one can only hope :)

I'll write something more content-worthy in a couple of days...i just kind of thought this was interesting.

BTW, I'm taking this thing _too_ seriously as I'm well-aware that it was "found on the internet", however, I don't doubt that there are personality tendencies for all of us. ALSO...if i were to take an active interest (which, maybe i should) into this, I wouldn't take it _that_ seriously until I did sufficient research on my own. (LOL...though i'm sure that's what licensed professionals hate...people using the internet for self-diagnosis...it probably causes a lot of unneeded stress and worry!)

Just writing these little bits of my thoughts have already made me feel better. I'm glad to have a blog. Anonymity but with an wide open view of the inside of me "AS IS" for all to see.

Goodnight y'all ;-)

Hope things are going splendidly wherever _YOU_ are.

lwac

Posted by livingwithoutaclue at 11:11 PM EDT
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