ouchies
Mood:  down
Now Playing: Alone in the Universe - David Usher

ooof....my stomach is paining again....i'm not quite certain if this is an anxiety thing as many have speculated, but it sure doesn't feel like it....i am having trouble finding enough oxygen for my liking.
.

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.

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owwwwww. i just had hot water get on my leg and go under/between my fingernail....today's not helping me feel better....it's going to get better, right, right???

ow, it hurts. 

 

on a good note,  after burning my skin, my breathing was a bit better and my stomach ache went away for a bit, but it's coming back i think... :P

gah
Mood:  down
Now Playing: the humming of my computer
i am tired of the way that i live, but i'm not quite certain what to do right now. i don't mean to sound cryptic, however, this IS my journal and i'm really only writing for me afterall.


it seems that i only write when i'm feeling rather down or unhappy or dissatisfied...i need to change this soon.

it's just today really...today could have been better.

eureka
Now Playing: consequence free - great big sea
i had an eureka moment today i think...it's not something that i'll be able to share with anyone that really knows me because it may scare them. it's really not all that scary at all though.

it just came to me:

i'd likely rather die than lose someone to death ever again.

that's how poorly i deal with death. i'm not a fan...though i do realize that it's important part of the life cycle...isn't it funny? i guess that it must be so easy to see it all as black and white...life or death, when it's really that death is part of life. or perhaps they intertwine and become one at times...i dunno, i'm just delusional perhaps.

it's not that i want to end my life...it's just that that's how the death of someone i care about makes me feel sometimes. trading lives, trading places. if only that would work.

anyways, that was just something that i felt the need to write down...so i don't forget about this eureka moment...'cause they're kind of exciting, y'know?

ttyl,
lwac

Mood:  a-ok
Now Playing: Lovers in a Dangerous Time - Barenaked Ladies
thought this was pretty cool, though i'm not certain about its accuracy...somethings are clearly correct, however some of it, i am forced to question. which is still cool. it's good to be thinking about things and questioning them.

lwac took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test! "Over-imaginative and given to fantasy or day-dream..." Click here to read the rest of the results.

so maybe there is SOME truth to this? maybe a lot?
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: From Me to You - The Beatles
so...apparently...

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid Personality Disorder:	Moderate
Schizoid Personality Disorder:	Low
Schizotypal Personality Disorder:	Moderate
Antisocial Personality Disorder:	Low
Borderline Personality Disorder:	Very High
Histrionic Personality Disorder:	Moderate
Narcissistic Personality Disorder:	Low
Avoidant Personality Disorder:	Very High
Dependent Personality Disorder:	High
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder:	High
-- Take the Personality Disorder Test -- -- Personality Disorder Info --

yeah...i just found this on someone else's blog and thought, "hey, why not? I've been having some weird thoughts lately." (note: by "weird" i mean, i feel like i'm in first year or grade nine again...except it's WORSE...i'm the fat-kid with no friends this time...with no academic prowress and no vision of what i'd like to do in the near future/future...it's worrying me a bit...but perhaps it's just a couple of rough days :) ) one can only hope :)

I'll write something more content-worthy in a couple of days...i just kind of thought this was interesting.

BTW, I'm taking this thing _too_ seriously as I'm well-aware that it was "found on the internet", however, I don't doubt that there are personality tendencies for all of us. ALSO...if i were to take an active interest (which, maybe i should) into this, I wouldn't take it _that_ seriously until I did sufficient research on my own. (LOL...though i'm sure that's what licensed professionals hate...people using the internet for self-diagnosis...it probably causes a lot of unneeded stress and worry!)

Just writing these little bits of my thoughts have already made me feel better. I'm glad to have a blog. Anonymity but with an wide open view of the inside of me "AS IS" for all to see.

Goodnight y'all ;-)

Hope things are going splendidly wherever _YOU_ are.

lwac

Perhaps it's that I don't quite understand what it is to love someone?
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: Globes & Maps - Something Corporate
So...things are going alright...for the first day of class I guess.

I don't get it. I just got off of the phone with my boyfriend...we talked for 3 hours...way too much time for when I'm in school and already behind. He's really wonderful...it's just that I'm sometimes over sensitive and get super angry about things that perhaps don't require that much emotion...but when I'm already sensitive and unsure about something, I really don't need some assurance that there's need for me to be so unsure of myself...it makes me wanna cry sometimes, y'know? Perhaps I need to grow a thicker skin.

So, anyways...we were talking, he said something, I got angry, and then he started trying to explain it and how he didn't mean it, but all I could think about were my angry thoughts and about how shitty he made me feel...how incompentent, stupid, and incapable of any sort of success he made me feel...with a single comment. I fucking hated him at that moment. So I told him that it wasn't helping, that I was too angry to hear any of that right now and that I wanted to go to bed...well, then he started crying and sobbing as is usually the case in situations like these...and I can't bear to hear him just repeat that he's "sorry" over and over and over and over again for 10 minutes straight. I try to calm him down, tell him it's alright, but the damage's done. He feels terrible and crumbles and doesn't say anything more to me but sob and tell me that he's sorry. I consoled him for over an hour trying to calm him down. I dunno...this has been the case for so many times...I'm not doing any good for him...I wish he could see that. I feel like breaking up with him so that I can relieve myself of the stress and committments...it's terrible really...especially since he's revealed to me (on our anniversary in June) that he loves me...but I really don't know what to do anymore...

This type of response, this power-imbalance, has not changed since near the start of our relationship. It's crazy, but everytime I can't get a hold of him right away, I worry that he's cheating on me. That he's with someone else at that instant...shit, that one situation and those times at the beginning of our relationship have really tainted my view of any possibility/potential for our relationship...I don't think this is what I want anymore...I'm not sure and I'm so tired and I've gotta do work and now I'm sad that I feel so screwed academically...and I feel like dumping one of the first people that has admitted to loving me...even though he's never had to...I dunno...this feels too difficult.


I'm feeling a general feeling of lost right now, but don't know what to do....something's just not quite right.

Anger Management
Now Playing: Brilliant Dance - Dashboard Confessional
Like most people, i'm pretty sure that i've got issues...several.

- anger
- confrontations (or lack there of)
- eating
- procrastinating
- self-image

so yeah...just thought that it'd be good to put that out on to paper...well, electronic paper I guess.

shoulda gone through this stuff while i was still a teenager ;) ah well, better late than never, right?

maybe it's just that i'm tired right now. probably...shouldn't be up so late.

'cause it'll just come back to kick you in the keister!
Now Playing: this ruined puzzle - dashboard confessional
Note to self:

Important things to remember:

1. write Ben, 'cause he is rocking.

2. you need physics...it just came back to bite you in the arse! fuggernut. :P why do they even insist on using these formulae that I only tried to memorize and not fully understand? gah...work reports are not my favourite task.

3. start your stuff earlier next time...as usual...you knew that.

4. get back to updating this thing...it's good for the sould i'm sure.

5. manage things better please. thank you.

sorry for the lame entry, but i needed this.

hope you're doing well,
lwac

Ok. quickly, didn't get to use the internet at home this weekend.

currently using the library's...Ben, you were right...though there are only 5 computers here...it is a small town.

more later. gtg...tummy hurts. :P

Hope you're all doing well,
lwac

Ok. quickly, didn't get to use the internet at home this weekend.

currently using the library's...Ben, you were right...though there are only 5 computers here...it is a small town.

more later. gtg...tummy hurts. :P

Hope you're all doing well,
lwac